june 9, 2023

blog post #4

i have become the very thing i swore to destroy. i am gut-wrenched, heartbroken, destroyed. i am ashamed, my lovelies. as you are aware, i've been working on my junior paper - a pretty important thing for college etc - and i've been doing it on MPDGs. manic pixie dream girls. more specifically, i've been writing on the impact, evolution, and dangers that come with that harmful trope. the notion that a woman is one-dimensional and solely existing for the betterment and personal growth of a man perpetually teaches both men that they need fixing, and women that they must fix. now, if you're not as well-versed as i am now in this plot device with tits, lemme break her down for you. she's fun, she's wild, she has unique interests and hobbies, habits she can't break. she's offbeat, different from anyone that boy has met. she's endlessly entertaining, she's broken but she's okay with that. she's not a 10/10, she's not cool, she's not the ideal woman. henceforth, she is this far more dangerous and insidious beast, as she is attainable. she's so close to you, you would kill for a girl like that. for men with low self-esteem, men who are bored or brooding, this girl is so bright and sunny, witty and clumsy, she needs protecting but really - all along - she's protecting and saving you. she's unpredictable, one moment she's skipping like a little girl and the next she's overdosing in a bath. she's got opinions that usually a man would have, because she isn't "annoying." by the end of the story, the man has grown and she is just the same. he's ready to go out and conquer the world, but she has gained nothing. and she's-she's so chill with that. it's cool. it's okay!

you see what i mean, right? she is so much more dangerous than we give her credit for. she cannot and will not ever exist. but that doesn't stop her from pretending to. to my dismay, to my absolute disappointment, my DISGUST, i am one of those awful, awful girls who acts like this. be it unintentional - which i assure you it is - i act like this. i looove pretending i'm full of whimsy and delight, i do suffer from wonderfully rapid mood swings, i am very angry but, ask anyone, i'm delightfully alive. i'm not a 10/10 nor am i blonde, but i'm attractively attainable. i play the banjo, i collect and steal copies of the great gatsby, i recite poetry, i listen to off-beat artists and i love playing those songs for men and seeming lost in the music. i entertain them with my quirky charm, i roll windows down and stick my arms out whenever i'm in a car. i sing with abandon. god i even have an impulsive tattoo of saturn hand-done by a goth chick on my hip! i'm impulsive, up and down, miserable blah blah blah. every guy i've been with thinks im weird but usually becomes devoted to me. my ex-girlfriends also describe me as some form of the sun, glowing and bright and holding attention.

I AM A CLICHE!!!!!!

I AM A DEAD WIFE FLASHBACK WAITING TO HAPPEN

if any of my exes or flings are reading this, i am telling you now: i am the mpdg in your past and i am so sorry.

anyway. i have played into this trope, because i found it to be the outlet of femininity most secure and open to me. i played into this male desire since i could be wanted and seen as irreplaceable in doing so. disgusting, i know. i am no feminist. "i sometimes worry i wouldn't be a feminist if i had bigger tits," as fleabag said. but at the same time, why should i change? i love coming off as a carefree and bright little nymph. i love being the perfect flashback girl that your new ones will never live up to, even if - deep down - i might not be anything like that. but, maybe, it's just wonderful to pretend to be that. and i've proven that the MPDG effect is so far-stretching not even i can run. being a unique and individual woman is so hard that we all find it easier to categorize and label ourselves. we pigeon-hole to ensure we find our pigeon-mate, as if being the right aesthetic and quirky behaviors will entrance a soulmate. it doesn't.

love,

- t xx

Ps i hope he doesn't read this entry.pps, i did this with no grammar checks so ignore me if i make no sense. its been a week.